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Healthy Relating as a Family

Our Child(ren)

What if our child says they do not want to spend time with the other parent? Should I make our child go?

Children will often say they do not want to go for a variety of reasons that have nothing to do with how they feel about the other parent. Your child may have difficulty with the change, may be reluctant to leave friends, may feel sad about leaving you or may be saying what they think you would like to hear. By encouraging your child to think about what they love best about being with the other parent, you are giving them permission to love that parent without being worried about hurting you. By considering your child’s opinion about what is important to them in the parenting schedule, you are giving your child a voice that may give you some insight into their feelings.

What if I am a parent who wants to see the children, but the children don’t want to see me?

This is always a difficult issue for parents and families to work through because the reasons why a child might be reluctant to spend time with a parent are often complex and hard to see clearly or accept.

• Often, children are able to say what kind of contact they would like, such as texting, phone calls or seeing a parent with a trusted adult. It is up to parents to listen carefully, and see these forms of communication as places to start and maintain some level of contact.
• Children often cope by avoiding uncomfortable situations. Both parents need to watch for this tendency and find ways to do their parts to help make the shifts between the homes easier for the children.
• Remember children’s birthdays and other special occasions. Keep saying, “I love you.”
• Be patient. If children feel that one parent did hurtful things to the other parent, were not always involved when they were living with them, or things were mishandled as part of the separation, the children may need some time to heal and decide if it is emotionally safe to be with that parent. Healing and feeling safe for children will likely only occur if the parent takes responsibility for their behaviors, apologizes and makes up for it. All of this takes time for trust to build or rebuild. When the parent is ready to be a positive presence in their children’s life, and make the needed changes, it is important for parents to keep letting them know that and showing the children that the parent will not force the issue, but will continue to make a positive effort.
• If you need help to address this issue with your co-parent, try mediation or family counselling with someone who is familiar with handling high conflict situations.
• Contact a counsellor to help you cope.

Is it true that if our child spends time with their other parent for longer periods, they will become less attached to me?

There are a lot of confusing beliefs about attachment. It is true that children need regular and consistent time with their primary caregiver(s), especially when they are babies. When children do not have enough access to the caregiver they know best, and who knows them best, they will express their distress. If the separations are long and filled with conflict, the child may express attachment difficulties. However, children can become securely attached to more than one person at the same time. If they have relationships with a second, or even a third person, who takes good care of them, and provides for their needs (e.g., when hungry, tired, anxious, or upset), they will develop close connections to those people. Keep in mind that these close connections need not take away from their relationship with their primary caregiver. What is most important is that the parent who spends less time with the child is very familiar with the child’s routines. Healthy co-parenting involves sharing information in a safe way. Ideally, parenting time is built around the child’s eating and sleeping routines, not parents’ work schedules or desires. More hands-on involvement by a less familiar parent can be introduced gradually, with careful monitoring of the child’s reactions and comfort.

Keep in mind that what might be stressful for a child at a younger age, is less likely to bother them as they get older.

What behaviour can we expect from our child(ren) during separation and divorce?

Often, signs of stress look the same in a person, regardless of the cause. Step back and count the number of changes your child is making, and what kinds of changes are happening to the people around them. Sometimes, many small stresses add up to bigger ones. During times of stress, it would not be unusual for some of a child’s upset behaviour to seem exaggerated.

Review the time sharing options for your child’s age. Does your parenting time schedule follow the guidelines recommended in the Parenting Plans section of For the Sake of the Children course, or is it something quite different? Even if you and your co-parent are comfortable with a certain parenting schedule, your child might need you to pace the changes more slowly.

What is the level of conflict? Has there been more conflict between yourselves as co-parents?

Make adjustments, as needed. Perhaps, transitions may need to change from going from a parent’s home to a neutral location, or by going directly from day care or school to be with the other parent to reduce the child’s stress.

If you make changes and do not see much improvement in the child’s stress level, talk to your pediatrician, a child psychologist, or a family counsellor. This is especially so if you feel unable to cope with the child’s emotions.

Review the Ways to Promote Positive Coping in the For the Sake of the Children e-course. You may also want to look at the Age-by-Age Guidelines in the course, or those available in the federal publication Making Plans.

How can we help our child with the transitions between homes?

Your child’s temperament may make moving between homes harder, but a lot also depends on the child’s age and what kinds of support are in place. Work together to figure out all of the things you could each do, separately and together, to make the schedule comfortable for them. If they are preschool-age or older, talk to them about what is hard and what feels okay about moving between homes or any two places. Ask your child what will help them feel better about making changes.

For a younger child, and where there has been no history of parenting together, parenting time might begin in the primary care parent’s home, if it is safe to do so. Slowly increase that time and move to the other parent’s space, once sufficient trust is built. A mix of short stays, with longer care periods, may be a way or next step to help in the transition process.

How long does it take for a child to adjust after separation or divorce?

Separation or divorce is a process, not a single event. Parents’ own processes of feeling better after a separation or divorce often takes two to three years. It takes children this long, too. Though your children’s feelings about the separation or divorce will become less raw over time, you should not expect them to go away completely. They may continue to have questions, or feel upset that things are different than they once were. The more anger and disagreement there is between the other parent and you, the longer it will take your child to adjust, and the harder it will be for them to look forward to the future.

I’m in a new relationship, how and when can I introduce my child(ren)?

Generally, introducing someone new too soon can make it much harder for your child and that person to have a relationship. Your child needs enough time that they do not feel disloyal to their other parent. If the new person enters the family at, or right after, the separation, they may be blamed for being part of the break-up. Also, you need time to make sure your new relationship is stable and that you are no longer in a place where you feel most vulnerable. Another break-up will be hard on both you and your children. It is best to take your time.

Co-parenting our child(ren) together

What if one parent behaves well in front of the children and the other does not? How can I encourage my co-parent to parent in a healthy-relating way?

It is important to ask yourself if the other parent’s behaviors are unhealthy or harmful, or if they are just different than your own. Each parent has their own strengths and may be better than the other parent at certain things. If the other parent’s way of doing things is not dangerous to the children, it is not worth holding onto. Usually, it is much more effective to focus on working together as co-parents and on improving your own relationship with your children. Any abusive or neglectful behaviour must be addressed immediately.

If you are not sure if a behaviour is harmful, call Child and Family Services at 1-866-345-9241 for more information.

Though you may see room for improvement in the other parent’s parenting, you will not succeed in telling them what to do. You can talk together about the guidelines, and how they made you feel, and what you hope can happen for your child and yourself, and see if that opens the door to conversation. You also can ask your co-parent to join you in mediation or counseling to try to put some of the guidelines into practice. Mostly, you can try to behave well and see if your example encourages your co-parent.

What if the other parent is unable, or unwilling, to be involved with the children?

• Support your child in expressing their disappointments, without criticizing the other parent.
• Tell the other parent about the child’s activities. If there is a history of disappointments, inform the other parent yourself instead of asking your child to give activity information to the other parent.
• Do not push the child to involve their other parent. If the child wants to phone, text, email or video chat, then support that choice.
• Focus on your relationship with your child. Sympathize with your child’s feelings, and remember that this lack of involvement may have been part of the reason you separated in the first place And it may not change now. But sometimes, after separation, an uninvolved parent feels freer to become more involved. Make room for it when it happens.
• If possible, keep in contact with some people from the other parent’s side of the family.

What should I do if the other parent talks to our children about the separation, or about me, in a way that is not healthy or appropriate for our child’s age?

Try to talk privately with the other parent about the issue, if it is safe to do so. If your communication with each other is challenging or difficult, you may want to write a letter or email, which lets you carefully choose your words and allows the other person to think about the message without becoming defensive, or responding to you in a negative way. If you are working with a family coach, mediator or lawyer, that person may also be helpful in setting ground rules” for talking or making decisions together. If none of this is successful, remember that you can not control the other parent’s behavior. It is best to focus on your relationship with your child.

What if our child’s other parent makes my parenting time difficult or impossible?

Generally, a parent has no right to interfere with the other parent’s parenting time. If a parent that the children live with most of the time will not allow the other parent to see the children, a court may specify steps that to resolve the situation.

What should I do if the other parent keeps denying my access to our children?

Try your best to understand why the other parent feels the need to limit your access. Avoid using children as message-carriers or as threats to address the problem. Also, avoid dealing with the problem alone by changing the parenting schedule without consulting your co-parent. Think about how you can address their concerns, wherever possible. Get help from a counselor or elder, family coach, mediator or a lawyer.

If the other parent is limiting your access for no good reason, you may need to take legal action. Children have a right to have a relationship with both parents. The courts emphasize that, except in situations of child abuse, neglect, or unaddressed intimate partner violence in which certain protections apply, children are to have safe and reasonable contact with both of their parents. It is important to be patient. Depending on circumstances, things may not get sorted out as quickly as you hope or wish.

My co-parent feels that our child’s extra-curricular activities are taking away from their parenting time. What can we do?

It is understandable that a parent would want to have as much quality time with a child as possible, no matter what might be happening in the family. This wish is probably more apparent now, as your child needs to share their time and world between two households. Staying focused on your child’s needs as parents, being flexible, and actively listening to understand each other’s concerns are essential as you try to work through what will work best for all. If you need help with any of these co-parenting tasks, a mediator or parent coach could help.

Healthy relating with my co-parent

What if I’m too hurt, angry or exhausted to show healthy parenting, or healthy co-parenting, to my children?

The end of a relationship leads to many changes and losses. Each one takes some time to get used to. Some parents try to ignore their distress so it doesn’t overwhelm them. But the more you understand, feel and face the losses and the grief, the better you can cope with them.

You may choose to learn more about the grieving process by reading books or talking to others who have been through similar situations. Think about joining a support group or going to counselling. With help from people who are not closely involved in your past relationship, you may gain a better sense of control over a situation that seems overwhelming.

Take care of yourself. While you may not have control over all of the changes, you do have control over how you cope with those changes. When parents cope well, so do the children.

Remember, this journey is the same for your children, except they may not be able to understand their emotions or get the support they need. Parents and other caring adults must help them. Children also benefit from having good, age-appropriate information about the changes in the family and ways they can cope. Young children can benefit from play therapy, while school-aged children respond well to a children’s support group.

How can my co-parent and I practice healthy relating?

• Learn more about the process of separation and divorce. Reading books and articles is helpful to understand how separating parents feel, and what they might do, that could make their children feel like they are caught in the middle and have to take sides. There are a lot of self-help books and information about separation and divorce available at your local library, bookstore or online.
• Recognize the difference between your needs and your children’s needs. Separation often involves intense feelings, such as rage, humiliation, grief, and attraction, between the adults involved. Loyalty and feelings of attachment do not always end when the couple relationship does. Children may have their own feelings, such as anger, sadness or loyalty conflicts. Keep in mind that each child and each parent has a unique relationship that may not be the same as any other in the family. Let there be room for each relationship, even if it is hard to understand how your child can feel so differently about the other parent than you do.
• Understand the value of having both parents involved in your children’s life. It may be difficult to see at first, but it will be beneficial to your children, and both parents, when you have each done as much as possible to support one another as co-parents. Think of yourselves, and the extended families, as your children’s family.
• Reach out to a counsellor or support group for help. Understanding your own emotions, or sharing your experience with others who know how the separation process feels, may help you deal with your own situation in a more positive way.